DISCLAIMER: THIS FOLLOWING POST IS ENTIRELY SATIRICAL AND FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY I DO NOT CONDONE ANY ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST ANYONE, EVER. (UNLESS THEY LIKE, REALLY, REALLY DESERVE IT.) -KRUM
Throughout history, countless individuals have been put to death by their fellow man.
Additionally, the "crimes" that have preceded socially sponsored murder have varied in magnitude:
Capital punishment was the remedy for over 160 crimes in 17th century Britain including cattle stealing and not wearing a silly wig in public…maybe. And of course, time shan’t forget the virulent wave of lynchings African-Americans suffered following the Civil War; it was not unlikely for a black man to be put to death for merely flirting with a white woman (for all you clamoring for a racist jok here: yes, Tiger Woods would have been lynched like, eighty times :))
Clearly, executions have been dealt for minor infractions we now consider trivial and downright ludicrous.
Conversely, there have been those who are so morally reprehensible, so symbolically malevolent, that their deaths have been considered a necessity. There have been those killings that have served as a means to better society, to deter people from committing similar wrongs and to tell the world “Hey, this shit simply does not fly anymore.”
One family has infected every aspect of American contemporary culture with their repulsive materialism, sheer idiocy, and overall disregard all that is pure and good.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we must Kill the Kardashians.
I’m not calling for more witty jabs on SNL or a picket-line protest outside the E! Network headquarters. I’m talking about the public decapitation of each Kardashian, Jenner, Odom-Kardashian, and Jenner-Odom-Kardashian-Humphries-Hitler on the White House lawn. Justin Bieber or Tony Bennett can sing the national anthem, depending on who is available. It will be broadcast in 1080i, screened in 3D and streamed wirelessly for all to enjoy. The whole thing will be sponsored by Apple, because what better way to think different than shedding ourselves of social pariahs, right? Let’s not discount social media; The trending topic #KilltheKardashians will be a mainstay on the Twitter homepage for days and the Kardashian Execution Facebook Fan Page will get more “Likes” than a 16-year-old with vacation cleavage’s default.
Think I'm being absurd? Hear me out.
The Kardashians symbolize all that is wrong with the world and we’d be a lot better off without them. Vanity, Greed, Gluttony. Kim, Kris, Khloé. I’m not going get too detailed with each of the Kardashians’ krimes because
A) I’m a heterosexual male, so my knowledge of Kim, Khloé, and the One No One Kares About is fairly limited.
B) I’m an American, which means it is my God-given right to make impactful decisions without researching all the facts.
Rather, to illustrate my point, allow us to consider the tale of Marie Antoinette:
Antoinette was the Queen to King Louis XVI, the ineffective monarch of France prior to The Revolution. While the peasantry starved due to bread shortages and inflation, Antoinette spent thousands on lavish trips and elaborate attire. Furthermore, she was notoriously promiscuous; Antoinette was rumored to engage in affairs with famed sportsmen like the Baron de Besenval, while the rest of the country struggled to maintain steady home lives. Unconcerned and seemingly unaware of the growing duress in Paris, she remained a mainstay in the public eye while contributing nothing to society. Sound familiar?
Eventually the French people could stand it no longer. They eventually stormed the Bastille, captured the King and Queen, and chopped her fuckin' head off. Fast-forward 122 years and Paris is regarded as the world’s most romantic city and home to thousands of super suave club owners. We gotta do this shit.
We must execute the Kardashians for the betterment of the world. Just think of the various social groups that would receive immediate benefit once we gave Kim and Co. the old chop'n drop.
1. Young Women
No longer inundated by role models who promote sex tapes, unrealistically huge asses and shitty perfume, the female population of America will be freed from the spell of the Beverly Hills Bitches. A great lesson will be taught to girls from Barstow to Boca; slutty and superficial is not the way to be, because you’ll be killed on national television. First Female President, here we come!
2. The Economically Unsatisfied
The past year has been marked by Congressional mismanagement and Occupy protests. It’s clear that most of the 99%’s demands have not been satisfied. While there are no clear solutions to our economic woes, killing the Kardashians would no-doubt appease the masses. What better way to put a smile on an unemployed person’s face then killing a cunt that had a ten million dollar wedding, (not to mention the job creation that will occur as a result of the proposed execution spectacular).
3. Black Guys
NFL and NBA lockouts. Record sales in the toilet. I blame it on distractions and stress. The Kardashians have proved more disastrous for successful black men than sickle-cell and the cops combined. Therefore, by eradicating the Kardashians, we can aide our beloved athletes and entertainers. I mean come on, whatever happened to good ‘ol-fashion groupies, anyway?
So, I urge you, loyal readers, it is time to band together. We will no longer stand for profligates, fools, and unabashed whores to dictate our lives. Write your local congressperson, take to the computers, and state your claim:
IT IS TIME TO KILL THE KARDASHIANS.