In about 36 hours, our country will collectively be toasting brews and haphazardly lighting fireworks in honor of Independence Day. The approaching 4th inspired my thinking of other innately American celebrations. Recently, we’ve observed Memorial Day, Father’s Day, and Mother’s Day. While these traditions do a fine job of revering significant members of society, I submit that America, and bros in particular, have neglected perhaps our most important figurehead:
Of course, I’m talking about the Uncle.
Uncles are the unsung sculptors of a bro’s development into adulthood. Unchained of parental responsibility, Uncles are free to indulge us with dirty jokes, dangerous gifts, and perhaps our first sip of beer. They are the fun-filled yin to our father’s often-stern yang. Whenever my dad attempted to instill values about financial responsibility, my uncle was right there, ready to contradict it all with a ride in his brand-new speedboat. When my Father berated me for a poor report card, my uncle regaled me with the tale f the time Dad shit his pants at his Senior Homecoming. Who cares if he’s 52, unmarried, and hasn’t held the same job for more than two years? Uncle Jeff let us shoot paintballs in the backyard!
I propose that July 1st will henceforth be known as Uncle’s Day. It will be a time for eschewing obligations and growing thick moustaches. There will be a parade down Broadway featuring floats of great Uncles throughout TV history, from Uncle Jesse to Uncle Leo. “Uncle John’s Band” will play on a loop throughout the country. And most importantly, Dad will have to watch it all from afar, with his arms folded and his head shaking in disapproval. Uncle’s Day will become as much of an American institution as, well, Uncle Sam! Side note: He’s called Uncle Sam for a reason! Because he kicks ass and parties hard; Father Sam is probably doing his taxes to Michael Bublé.
So let us celebrate the Uncles of this great nation. Except the molesting ones, they’ve done enough partying for all of us.