Approximately 5.2 million people
ride the New York City Subway each day. While this number appears staggering, I
believe it is misleading.
Through my experiences riding the
rails, I’ve seen the same six people waiting on every platform. Their names and
faces may be different but these specific passengers are omnipresent underground.
Whether you’re taking the A up the west side or the Z downtown, I guarantee
your body will awkwardly sway into at least one of the following.
6. The Riding Rabbi
A crammed subway
car in sweltering July heat is uncomfortable at best. I can only imagine what
it’s like when you’re draped in a dark wool coat and a giant felt hat. Combine
that with the knowledge that you’re going home to a bushy-browed wife, six kids
and limited electricity allotment and you have the life of the Riding Rabbi. On
every train in New York City, you will encounter a weary Hasidic Jew. Whether
he’s mumbling ancient scripture to himself or stroking his day-moistened beard,
you’ve got to give the Riding Rabbi
props. He’s fighting a losing battle against modernization, assimilation, and
delicious bacon. People say Jews run the city, tell that to the Riding Rabbi!
5. La Tourista
There are two
breeds of La Tourista; domestic and
imported. Domestic Touristas can be
indentified by their cargo shorts, cell phone belt clips and running sneakers. Imported Touristas are spotted by their messenger bags,
fauxhawks, and running sneakers as well (except with something weird like a
Rooster or a Kangaroo on the side, not a good ol’ Swoosh). Whether you’ve lived
here all your life or moved in last month, nothing will give you a more
underserved sense of superiority than watching a Tourista fumble with a guide map on the subway. Better yet, take in
a Tourista trying to make sense of
those subway route maps plastered on the walls. Good luck, Günther, those
things look my Grandma’s varicose veins and are just as beneficial.
4. The Way Too Into It Rap Guy
The Way Too Into It Rap Guy loves
hip-hop, and thinks, nay, knows that
the morning commute is the most appropriate venue to showcase his obsession.
Even on quiet rides, you will always hear the faint blares of a Rick Ross track
reverberating from the Way Too Into It
Rap Guy’s Beats by Dre. The Way Too Into It Rap Guy turns
listening to music from a passive activity to an active performance. He bobs
his head like a rooster, slices the air with his hands, and if you listen
closely, you can hear him recite rhymes through muted tones; “mermermer..MUTHAFUCKA..mermer..NIGGAS…mermer..PHILLIPSEYMOUR-HOFFMAN”.
I’d like to think that once he gets off the train, he becomes Dennis, the
affable printer specialist Best Buy. But underground he will forever be, The Way Too Into It Rap Guy.
3. The King (or Queen) of
Concentration
Subway readers. It’s ironic; their
activity of choice is decidedly innocuous, yet out of all six passenger
categories, The King (or Queen) Of
Concentration bothers me the most. My contempt stems from a combination of
confusion and jealousy.
WHO CAN FOCUS ON A BOOK IN A
JARRING AND WHIRRING METALLIC TUBE TRAVELING AT 55MPH?!
Whether a Queen is re-reading her shitty screenplay before class or a King is thumbing through his BlackBerry
emails, I am astonished at their ability to ignore distractions. Shit, in the
process of writing this article, I’ve already refreshed Facebook 15 times and
masturbated twice.
Listen, I understand that people
are busy and don’t always have the luxury of free time to take in a book in
private. I just find it hard to believe that this dude sitting next to me is
really contemplating Nietzsche while a mariachi band is strumming in his
face.
Sidenote: What is every person
reading their phones on the subway doing really? It’s a well-known fact that no
one gets Wi-Fi down there. I would love to peek over one of these people’s
shoulders. Definitely scrolling up and down their contact list in a feeble
attempt to look busy. Smug cocksuckers.
2. The Soliloquy-Spouting Homeless Person
Okay, so it’s really The Monologue-Spouting Homeless Person.
What can I say; I’m a sucker for alliterations. The Soliloquy-Spouting
Homeless Person is inherent to New York City mass transit. When the train
arrives at a stop he enters. Once the doors close, he recites a speech about
his descent into poverty. This is followed by a brief solicitation for spare
change as he walks up and down the aisle.
By the time the doors open again, he’s gone, on to the next car. It’s a
well-timed endeavor.
I sympathize with anyone who has to
beg for money, but something about the Soliloquy-Spouting
Homeless Man’s routine feels a tad disingenuous. Let me get this straight;
you’re an orphan AND you’re addicted to PCP AND you just tested positive AND
you have to support 17 kids? Whatever happened to just being a bum? Believe me,
It’s fine. You’ll get the same level of sympathy regardless from Manhattan’s jaded
travelers.
I feel like any day now the Soliloquy-Spouting Homeless Man is just
going to start ripping off movie plots. “You
see ladies and gentleman, that is why I need your tribute if I am ever going to
compete in this year’s Hunger Games"
1.
The
Wildcard
The Wildcard is
basically anyone who distracts you during your ride for a previously
unmentioned reason. So technically, the Wildcard can be hundreds of different
types. But they all serve the same purpose. Whether unintentional or purposeful,
they silence the internal dialogue you were having in your head before they got
on board. (Mine is typically about how I’m wasting my life away). Popular Wildcards include Masturbating Crazy Man, Creepy Accordion Player, Urban Youth Field
Trip, and my personal favorite, Potential
Terrorist.
Hope you’ve
enjoyed this, and remember, a crowded subway car is no excuse for unwanted
sexual contact.
END.
ha
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