As we barrel forward through time and space, two things seem
to grow exponentially with each passing week.
1. The amount of women who claim that Herman
Cain has touched their boobies.
2. Occupy movements
The Occupy Wall
Street protests have spilled onto Main Street in a big way.
In cities all over the world, pockets of protesters have
emerged: incessantly beating drums, making angry signs with Sharpie markers,
and refusing to shower.
While I sympathize with the plight of the 99% (I too don’t
have a job and want more money), I believe their energy is not being directed
at the right locations.
Occupy Dallas? What is there a shortage of big belt buckles?
Occupy Toronto? Socialized Medicine and some of the best
strip clubs in the White North! Come on now!
Thus, I turned to my faithful friend, Television, and came
up with 5 places that are truly in desperate need of Occupation. So get marchin’.
5. #OccupySpringfield
For the last 20-something years,
C. Montgomery Burns has exercised complete control of wealth in the beloved
town while destroying her beauty and denigrating her people. He has polluted
the water with radioactive three-eyed fish. He has released the hounds on
countless members of the 99%. Overall, Mr. Burn’s unfair business practices
have forced countless into a cycle of debt from which they cannot recover. REMEMBER
WHEN HE TRIED TO BLOCK OUT THE SUN TO FORCE RESIDENTS TO DEPEND ON NUCLEAR
POWER? Then Maggie shot him, I think.
“Life is like a hurricane, here,
in Duckburg”. It certainly
is. I don’t care if there are race
cars, lasers, air–o-planes; a society cannot be equal if one duck has so much
wealth that he houses it in a giant water tower. Furthermore, a society cannot
be equal when that water tower is filled with so many gold coins that the
aforementioned duck can dive into them like a porpoise and burrow into them
like a groundhog. Aren’t those
coins hard? Wouldn’t that hurt? Something horribly disproportionate is goin’
down in Duckburg.
3.
#OccupyEmeraldCity
The people’s
demands were simple: A heart, a brain, and courage. Just some organs and some
balls. But The Wizard’s countless promises to deliver are for naught. “You’ve had them all along” he claims.
This is not about maintaining the status quo, this is about change, asshole! No
more flying monkey attacks! No more wicked witches! The Munchkins of Oz may be
small but their grievances are vast. Even outsiders see the wrongdoings of the
Wizard. One recent visitor expressed an immediate desire to return to rural
Kansas rather than walk a foot further into Oz. Have you been to Kansas before?
It fuckin’ sucks! Jesus, A fuckin’ gold city while people live in little huts
in the woods with lions, tigers, and bears that will rip their fuckin’ faces
off!? Ever take the Yellow Brick Road out
of EC? Pretty depressing. There’s no place like home, indeed.
2. #OccupyQuahog
Talk about wasteful spending! Mayor West has
dispatched the entire Quahog police department to Cartagena to search for
Elaine Wilder from Romancing the Stone,
commissioned a solid gold statue of Dig ‘Em Frog, and spent countless tax
dollars to find out who’s been stealing his water (Hint: it was the plants in
his office when he would water them). This guy’s such a crooked character; I
bet he’s embezzled thousands just for taffy. He is a man who loves his taffy.
Mmm.
1.
#OccupyLibertyCity
Not the Miami black people one, I steer
clear. I’m talkin’ Grand Theft
Auto-shooting a rocket launcher at a helicopter- getting your money back from a
hooker by killing her-Liberty City. Liberty City’s got some real infrastructure issues. The cops,
for example: six star criminals terrorize the city at will and the police are
powerless to stop them. It seems like just as Liberty City’s finest shoot ‘em
down or lock ‘em up, the crooks are back on the streets in an instant. And don’t forget maintenance! Some of
the longest repair times I’ve ever seen. I know one guy that moved to Liberty
City, he couldn’t so much as cross a bridge into the next island before living
there for weeks! So then he took a
flamethrower to crowded sidewalk.
Well, there you have it folks, my list of
fictional cities in dire need of some good ol’ fashioned Occupying’. Have any
others? Leave ‘em in the comments section.
END.
