Sorry. If you want a story about triumph over adversity, there is probably some wheelchair kid singing his failing heart out to Steven Tyler on TV right now.
So besides the whole 9/11 thing, 7th grade was awesome. I was rounding second base pretty regularly, and thanks to the ostentatious parents of the neighborhood, extravagant Bar and Bat Mitzvahs kept me occupied every weekend.
Yet time moves forward, and 8th grade was my downfall.The girls had discovered the cool older boys (and haven’t turned back, mind you) and the highpoint of my weekend was beating off once my parents fell asleep.
However, what I did, I did with pride.
Like with most activities I get into, I had to find the newest, most innovative way to perform the deed.
That’s when I found the single most disturbing website on the internet.
Jackinworld.com bills itself as “The Ultimate Male Masturbation Resource” .
Think of it as the Wikipedia of the very horny and lonely.
One look at the sites’ Q&A and you’ll get a grasp of their average clientele.
Q: Dear Jackinworld,
I masturbate 5-6 times a day…sometimes to the point where the only time I leave the house is get more KY…is this normal?
Alas, in my boyhood curiosity I clicked on the “Expert” section (expert at being a sick fuck) where I discovered “The Mattress and the Plastic Baggie”
Simply put, Jackinworld recommends the following:
1. Take a plastic sandwich baggie, and slather the inside with lube.
2. Place your penis inside, closing the baggie.
3. Go to a bed and lift up the mattress.
4. While on your knees, stick your bagged cock between the mattress and the box spring. Proceed to pump away.
Gentleman, if you have ever had fucked a bed, with your a plastic bag around your cock, we have something in common.
This became a bit of a ritual for me. Suddenly, Saturday evenings became tolerable. My mom, ignorant of the evil going on in my bedroom, filled my CVS orders for Ziplocs and Vaseline without interrogation.
Punishing my Serta. I was finally at peace.
Besides, when I was done, all I had to do was throw away the baggie!
One sleepover, my friends were discussing their explorations with masturtabing,the emerging eight grade trend.
I decided to muster up the courage share my secret technique with them. Like Copernicus describing his research about the heliocentricity of the Earth, I revealed my findings to my chums.
………….I was met with laughter and mockery, and I immediately retreated into silence.
A few years had passed and I was in high school, I had gotten over my masturbation experimentation and successfully matriculated into drug experimentation.
One late Saturday night I was doing pot with my friend Jeremy. After the initial giggles and Borat impressions subsided, he excused himself to go get some food.
I stayed in his room fearful of...just about everything. THC is the worst.
Some time passed, and I entertained myself by pretending I was a robot.
Some more time passed, and I grew a bit restless, wondering if my friend choked on his infamous supply of Polly-O String Cheese.
Finally, my paranoia took over and I envisioned Jeremy being frozen with fear in his kitchen with his parents standing over him/
“WHY ARE YOU UP SO LATE JEREMY?”
“ARE YOU HIGH, JEREMY?”
“IT’S THAT DAMN KRUMHOLZ KID WHO’S GOTTEN YOU INTO THIS, ISN’T IT? HE’S THE WORST AND HE’LL NEVER MAKE JV-9 BASKETBALL!!”
I couldn’t take it anymore, I kicked open his bedroom door and began to march downstairs to save him.
Then I took a few steps backwards, and peered into a guest room.
There was, on his knees, slamming his naked, 250-lb body in between the mattress.
Viva la Plastic Baggie.