We live in a business-oriented world.
You don’t believe me?
Let’s take a survey.
How many of your friends majored in accounting? Okay.
Now, how many of your friends majored in hunting-gathering? I thank you.
In correspondence with our stock tickers-on-street corners culture, even people who haven't worked a day in their lives enjoy the perks professional-style organization.
For example, I know many an anorexic girl who has automated emails sent to her Smartphone, reminding her to eat that 100 Calorie Pack before she collapses on the floor of her Public Relations lecture.
I have taken the art of streamlining my life one step further.
Most people use Microsoft Excel to calculate their yearly expenses. I prefer it for something else.
Ladies and Gentleman, I present the sex spreadsheet.
or as I lovingly call it, the Sexsheet
All my conquests, ordered by date of insertion.
No more fudging my fuck numbers, it’s time for an ass audit!
I’ve even created my own system of abbreviations to denote particularly memorable experiences:
V for Virginity Taken... I keep them in a box under my bed
BC for Broken Condom... If I ever get invited on Maury Povich, it’s going to be on my terms, damnit.
BSWD- Began Sex With Doggy...Fellas, you must never forget her, she’s the kind of girl you make your wife
SWA6996RW:)- ...Let’s just skip this one, shall we?
The advantages of the Sex Spreadsheet are numerous:
If the financial crisis has taught us anything, it’s the importance of remembering just who you’ve screwed, because chances are, if they let you screw them once, they won’t again.
Also for my 50th Birthday, I plan on inviting all those listed (all three and a half) to a party at my house.
And when the last attendee has arrived, the balloons will fly and the banner will drop, welcoming all to the first annual:
EVAN KRUMHOLZ SEXUAL PARTNER REUNION AND CHILI-COOKOFF CUMVENTION!
Seminars to be included: “Why 3 Minutes Was Just Enough” and “Goo-Goo Dolls and Gucci Mane: The Music of the Memory”
Of course, this post has effectively stopped the list from growing a female further.
Have you had any experiences with the SexSheet or something similar (perhaps a Word document or saved note on your BBM)? Share your thoughts/disgust!