I'm referring to a far different kind of check.
I'm fascinated with the human body. My key area of interest- duh, the asshole.
It's the center of the action, the trendy Meatpacking District of orifices- it's where all the cool, funny, scary shit goes down. Also, shit goes down there!
Which leads me to tonight's rant, The Check.
Okay, so after defecating, I, like any red-blooded American proceed to wipe my ass.
Whether I lift a cheek to enable toilet paper entry or go between the legs like an Iverson stutter step, the deed gets done.
But there's something I have caught myself doing many a time before dropping the newly-stained Charmin into the bowl.
I, like many of you, check the toilet paper.
It's absurd.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE CHECKING FOR?
"Dude, you'll never guess what happened, today when I checked, there it was- the winning lotto numbers!...Oh..and some corn"
Yet for some reason man is compelled to make sure his toilet paper has retrieved an ample amount of doody before parting with it.
Is there some massive shortage of toilet paper I'm unaware of and every wipe counts?
After 150,000 years of existence have we not convinced ourselves that we make shits?
"By God, it's happened again!"
I'm waiting for the one time where I go to check and I've shit out a perfect reproduction of Seurat's Sunday in the Park in Grande Jatte. I'll stare at that bitch like Ferris Bueller.
Although I have to admit, a line in the sand has certainly been drawn.
I brought up the cause of checking question amongst a table of friends during a lunch break.
While everyone began to laugh and interject with their take on the fecal phenomenon, one voice stood out.
"Well, I don't check!". The table fell silent.
Naturally, it was the fat chick.
Eww...
Best thing about this article was the fat chick comment
ReplyDeleteYou should check for blood, remember when we went camping? I will never quit you....Jewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
ReplyDeleteSince I first read this post, I have been consciously trying to catch myself checking or not checking my TP. I agree that it is a somewhat strange phenomenon, but I offer the following possible explanation. I don't think that "the check" necessarily has to do with our wanting to make sure we've got enough fecal matter to cover the TP, but rather to see how close we are to being finished wiping. I don't know about you, but since my parents still pay for the things in my apartment, I am extremely wasteful (I call it generous) with my wads of toilet paper, but I guess I still like to know how many more dozens of sheet per handfull I am likely going to use.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't check the toilet paper, how do you know there's not shit still in your ass? Need to keep wiping til it comes out clean, very simple.
ReplyDelete