You can really gain substantial insight into a person's psyche with a mere keystroke.
Allow me to elaborate:
Some years back, I was over my friend's apartment. We were debating going out to see American Gangster, which was in theaters at the time. He went to go shower and suggested that I look up reviews of the film to help solidify our decision.
So I opened his laptop and went on the internet, with the intention of typing "American Gangster reviews" or something similar in the Google search bar.
As soon as I punched in the letter A, a drop-down menu appeared, showcasing his past queries.
The first, and therefore most searched phrase?
"AVERAGE PENIS SIZE"
When he emerged from the bathroom in a towel, I couldn't help but look down and wonder how small (or thin) it was to inspire such curiosity. He kept asking me what was wrong, but I played it cool. American Gangster, indeed.
However, I am not immune to baring my soul upon the Google search.
And like any good mad scientist who ends up a mutated freak for life, I've decided to perform the experiment on myself.
I typed the letter "H" into my Google.
What follows are my most curious explorations, all of which are 100% authentic and very, very sad:
How to work for snl
How to get hired on a writing staff
How to an agent
-Let's group these under "failed dreams and desires"
Hold a Panda
-I'm not sure if I was looking for some kind of company...a Hold a Panda Enterprises of sorts...or I was researching the proper form to hold said animal if the situation presented itself.....I just know that at some point I entertained the thought of holding one, alright?
How do diners have so much food?
- I stand by this one. In fact, the question still eats at me. How can one establishment serve me both Rocky Mountain Brook Tout and Challah French Toast at 3 AM in under 10 minutes?
I'VE SEEN LOBSTER ON THE MENU!
WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY GETTING LOBSTER!
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON BACK THERE?
How to tell if you've been poisoned
How long does it take to get MRSA
How not to die from MRSA
- I went through this phase of intense fear about flesh eating bacteria....I'm over it.
-As for the poison thing...like many revolutionaries before me, I feel my death may come from foul play.... mo' blogs, mo'problems, as it were.
Homemade tear gas
How to throw a choke while hold facing an opponent
- Now I know what you're thinking,
"Evan...why would you be researching chemical warfare and incapacitating opponents...are you planning some kind of Holy War against Long Island and various locales of northern New Jersey in which all those who have wronged you in the past will be forced to kneel before you as you reign terror upon them?"
Bitch, I might be.