When it comes to the Facebook profile, most of us like to pick and choose the information we give out. Some people list their musical taste with nauseating detail (Mozart, Led Zeppelin, Justin Biebzz!), while others choose to mark their Info with no more than an existential Dave Matthews quote.
However, I believe that the Facebook default picture demands meticulous planning. Whether rectangle or square, the profile image is the sole e-monument dedicated to ourselves.
Yet I am disappointed with my closest 1,658 friends, because every time I log on, I see the same five fucking photos.
Here are the most common JPEGs that give me the jitters:
Note: I have no problem with any of the people in these pictures. We are all victims to these trends. These just had the unfortunate luck of being stalked by me during POL348.
5. The Fabulous Life
Because taking a picture in front of a toaster isn't gonna land friend requests. Whether cruising on a yacht, lounging on a private plane or getting fisted in a Ferrari, people love disclosing their parents' personal income through Facebook.
Bernie Madoff likes this *thumbs up*
4. Le Artisé
A cross between an American Apparel ad and a Musiker Teen Tours brochure, Le Artisté is a popular choice among dumb slu-, er...females. Girls often try to break the mold by blurring, distorting ,adding sepia or subtracting color to their defaults. This tactic could work if all their friends weren't minoring in Facebook Expressionism as well.
3. The Tour Guide
The semester abroad is a time for exploring new cultures, broadening one's horizons, and letting everyone else know you are in another country. Abroadsters feel the insatiable desire to document their travels by photographing themselves wearing pea-coats and scarves whilst doing at least one of the following activities: Standing in front of a Gothic church (Ha, because we're Jews! Get it?), Skydiving with a giddy Swiss man on top of them, Eating rare and exotic items like a waffle with chocolate, or playing around that stupid fucking I AMsterdam sculpture with the big letters. Often, the Fabulous Life and the Tour Guide are pals, as they both know all too well the stresses of the public transportation system in Marbella. I think the best way to experience a country is not to snap photos of yourself for your domestic counterparts, but rather, to get kidnapped :)
2. The Trick-or-Treater
It's damn near summer, but the Trick-or-Treater still incessantly knocks on my e-door, often shitfaced. Quailman, Ninja Turtle, Slutty Cop or Slutty Nurse or Slutty Fireman, even Giant Banana Guy- I get it. You're drunk and cliché. Now if you came at me with something like this, I'd give you a Twix, a Reese's, and pay your Department of Public Safety fine for shitting in that CVS aisle last Halloween.
1. The Fanboy
Sadly, the person hiding behind that 100px X 150px of Brian Zoubek dunking is often a fat loser. If I want recaps I'll watch the Sportscenter Top 10. You don't see me masquerading as my idols on Facebook. Then again, I don't want girls to be disappointed when they find out, I am not, in fact, Gucci Mane.