The Tucker Max Story (of sorts)

I get a decent amount of feedback from this here bee-log.

Unfortunately, the lion's share of the comments emailed after I post are negative reverberations.

A sampling from the most recent comment, entonces:

"U HAVE YOUR FINGERS ON THE PULSE OF THE HIGH SCHOOL COMMUNITY? AREN'T U LIKE 21??? MAYBE U LOVE UR CHILDHOOD CUZ U CHEATED UR WAY INTO COLLEGE, SPEND UR PARENTS MONEY N LIVE UR CURRENT DAYS IN A COCAINE AND ALCOHOL ENDUCED HAZEE!"

To this diligent defender of the 1st e-amendment, I respond with these three statements.

1. I did do pretty well in high school, but I think my straight C+'s in Math and my embarrassing B- in Video Production (Hey, the teacher tried to fuck with my vision!) are evident that I didn't scam my ENTIRE way through Jericho High.

2. Regrettably, I do spend my parents' money. Hopefully I can pay them back with the royalties I make from ">KRUMLIFE: THE MOVIE
...I think Spencer Pratt would do a fine job in the starring role. Larry David as Dad, of course.

3. I've actually never done cocaine. Admittedly, I've had a few chardonnays, but what of it?

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, criticism. I was in a fancy night club (I've got the haters riled up good now!) and some fan approached me. He offered me some advice...something along the lines of:

"Your posts are too narrow, you should write more about something everyone would enjoy, y'know, like Tucker Max does with sex"


Despite the kid's obvious blackout state (he slurred "I'm just tryna help man" at least six times), I think he was on to something. So here goes my Tucker Max story:


One evening last summer, I met up with my friend Becca and a girl from her school. Let's call her, hmm...Mandi, I like that. My friend introduced me to her schoolmate. However, Mandi required no introduction. She was a source of suburban legend since entering college. Triple-teams in Acapulco, aural sex (that's in the ear, General Studies Kids), what have you. Regardless of her penchant for unprotected sexual activities with multiple partners, she seemed pretty level headed.

In other words, she liked this website. POW.


Mandi: I really like your blog...it reminds me of Tucker Max. He's coming to my school to sign books next semester, I'm gonna try and fuck him!

Me: Hmm...thanks? I'd be careful though, judging from his work, he's had numerous exploits with some less-than-savory ladies. If you decide to hit that, I'd double-wrap if I were you.

Mandi: Ha, He should be the one double- wrapping...KIDDING!!!

My eyes widened in disgusted amazement. When she reached out to touch my shoulder, as if to punctuate her claim of not being a whoring cesspool, I was half way out the door. I announced my exit with a shudder, and went home. Haven't heard from Mandi since. Oh well. TUCKER!!!!