HI, MY NAME IS EVAN KRUMHOLZ AND I SUCK DICK FOR MONEY

I've had more embarrassing moments than most.
Okay, it's not like there is a video of me having druken sex on a urine-soaked floor in an Indiana bar floating around the web, or anything, but I assure you, my life has not been without many moments I'd like to forget.

Alas, I run a blog and the suburbs are clamoring for a good ol' Krum Life narrative.

So here we go:

I arrived home from college last week and on my desk lay a 2-inch thick blue binder labeled KRUM- MEDIA ARTS.

Ah, high school.

As I thumbed through the pages of my 9th grade art portfolio, I happened upon a particular photograph. Upon recognizing this picture, my body immediately tensed, my heart rate sped, and I attempted to vanquish bad memories out of my head by squinting really hard.

Kind of like when The Uncle That Molested You walks by at the family reunion to grab another scotch.

Back to the photo.

It was ninth grade. Caught between the worlds of Hot Topic and Abercrombie, I was confused, disenchanted, and overall, obnoxious.

A far cry from now.

Anyways, in my Media Arts elective, we were taught how to take digital photos and edit them in Photoshop.

I fell in love immediately.

Dildos were placed in girls' mouths, I painted the Pakistani kid in the class green- it was a great program. Until it backfired.

One day, I made a collage. I blended images of Biggie, Tupac, and a friend of mine who had a strong affinity for rap music. Funny right?

My teacher walked by, and suggested I darken the color of my friend's photo to match the other images in the collage. So I used the "Burn Tool" and darkened his face, giving him somewhat of an African-American complexion.

The finished product left me giddy. Plus it looked kind of bad ass.




So I showed it around the class.

Word got back to my friend, (let's just call him....David) and being the hypersensitive 15 year old that he was, did not take the artistic rendition lightly.

So he decided to exact revenge.

About a week later, I was walking down the hall to my Italian class, and I noticed people were glancing at me. I figured my acne was in full bloom. Some began to laugh at the sight of me, while others whispered to their friends.

This was only slightly out of the ordinary so I wasn't overtly disturbed.


In class, the phone rang, and my teacher told me to go to the Principal's office.

Ms. Boyle: Evan, Sit down.

I sat in the chair across her desk.

She proceeded to take a small flyer out from her desk

Ms. Boyle: Evan, did you do this?

She held out the piece of paper.

It featured a particularly unflattering picture of me with a speech bubble that read

HI, MY NAME IS EVAN KRUMHOLZ, AND I SUCK DICK FOR MONEY




My home phone number was listed below the advertisement.

Calmly, I explained that I was the victim of a vicious prank.

Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT!???

Ms. Boyle: Hey! Language! Well they're all over the downstairs hallway and in the boys bathrooms. Who could have done this?


I explained the fallout with David and how he was likely the culprit. He was called in and denied involvement, smirking all the while at my visible humiliation.

He was dismissed from the room and Ms. Boyle told me that without proof, there was nothing she could do.

My eyes welled up with water. Then came the phone calls that night.

Me: Hello?

Caller: *laughter* Hey, how much do you charge for a blowjob? HAHAHA

Me: Brad? I know this is you!

Caller: HAHAHA BRO I TOTALLY GOT HIM *click*

Similar calls continued throughout the evening.

I never sought retribution, nor did David ever get punished, we're actually friends to this day. And if you're wondering, my blowjob business is doing just fine.

In the end, everything worked out. I mean, you are reading this, aren't you?

FIN.