More Shits in More Places

I'm gonna let you in on a little trend that has been slowly infiltrating the psyche of my male peers since the advent of multi-media messaging.

I'm assuming men around the world are also silently engaged in this bitter war for the supreme crown of ultimate masculinity.

Their means of conveyance? the camera phone.

The endless question?

WHO TAKES THE BIGGEST SHITS OF OUR BOYS?

Ladies-your boyfriend, brother, or biology teacher is MMS-ing pictures of his bowel movements to his friends to prove just who does the most work on the toilet.

Fucking weird, I know.

Somehow there is a correlation between the bigger the bowel movement and the bigger set of balls.

I don't know how this started, but sporadically i will receive a text or BBM of photographed feces. The unmoving mass often resembles a fallen tree trunk across the River Ganges. Or a sleeping manatee.

The most disturbing part? I know I'm not the only one. Not too long ago, they made a South Park episode about it

So in natural Krum fashion, I felt the need to elevate and dominate.

One day, after a particularly gallant evening at 5 Guys Burgers and Fries, I lost about 3 lbs to my porcelain Toto.
As I checked the health of the mass ( don't we all?) I noticed that the four or five segments seemed to float in serial order, from smallest to largest.

THEY LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THE ATT "MORE BARS IN MORE PLACES" AD

NOT ONLY WAS THIS THE LARGEST, BUT DEFINITELY THE MOST ARTISTIC!

BRAVO!

So naturally, I had BBM a snapshot to my trusty comrade Matt.

Even more naturally, I was to quick with my track-ball and accidentally sent exhibit D (for doodie!) to the name under Matt's.

MOLLY.

She's avoided eye contact with me ever since.

Regardless, the battle is real. and it's the shit.