Dead Parents Just Don't Understand

2002

I'm in seventh grade. A classmate and I are chatting about our plans for the weekend while feigning to complete busywork for the substitute teacher.

Classmate: So... are you gonna go to Alanna's bat-mitzvah Saturday?

Me: Ugh...I really don't want to...I think I'm just going to tell her my mom died or some shi-

I'm met with a blank stare.
I feel a searing pain in my forehead as I recall that THIS KID'S MOM DIED FROM CANCER A YEAR EARLIER.

Me: UMM... I MEAN... I'M JUST GONNA TELL HER MY GRANDMA DIE- I MEAN I'M GONNA..OH FUCK IT!

I get up, yank my backpack off my chair and walk out of class. I head towards the buses not concerned with the fact that I have two more periods left before school is out.


2010
I'm sitting in a friend of a friend's apartment. Our host assures us that he has three hot girls coming over. When the girls arrive, I am immediately disturbed by the smallest one, who is Birkenau-thin and wearing what appears to be a mesh washcloth.

The group delves into sophisticated topics of discussion like "Who had the best BAC to GPA ratio last semester?" and
"Why Arizona girls are the 'chillest'"
(according to one of the Future Female Leaders of America, it's because "like, they have money, but they're not jappy, like, they smoke mad weed and take E and just chill, y'know?")

Regardless of my frustration, I'm fixated on the small one, who eventually catches on.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? WHEN ARE WE GOING TO TENJUNE? DO YOU HAVE A CIGARETTE??"

I absorb the question and take a deep breath.

"How old are you, sweetheart?"

"17..DO YOU HAVE A CIGARETTE OR NOT I'M FUCKING DYING!!"


Again I try to ignore the fact that my head is going to explode, leaving gray matter all over this kid's lovely 2-bedroom.

"Let me ask you something, does your mother see what you wear before you leave your house?"

There's a brief pause.

She fails to respond and the stimulating intellectual discourse resumes. When I look up from my Blackberry (2 new BBMS!)....

she's gone.

I turn to one of the girl's friends.
"Hey..where did she go?"
"Huh?"
"Your friend..where did she go"
"I don't know..whatever..."
"I asked her if her mom approves of that washcloth thing she's wearing and now she's gone."
"Ohhh...yea her mom died..she's kinda like, sensitive about it...whatever"
"WHAT THE FUCK????"
"Do you have a cigarette?"

End