5 reasons why wrestling is wretarded

Last evening, I stumbled upon a broadcast of World Wrestling Entertainment's WWE Smackdown.

I had not watched wrestling since my youth, when I would stay up late to catch WWF: Raw and quench my prepubescent thirst for blood and breasts. Female breasts…not Rikishi’s.

Although the evening's program was rife with all the essential wrestling elements I had cherished, (steel chairs to the face, pyrotechnic explosions, spandex trunks with the wrestler's name emblazoned on the ass) I became painfully aware that Vince McMahon (and the subsequent McMahonsters) have done little to heighten the realism of their product. Shocking, I know.

In other words, the same dumbshit storylines I found dubious as a 10-year-old fan were even more glaringly ridiculous a decade later.
Regardless, I’d like to commemorate the subtle reasons why wrestling was, and will always be, for re-res.

5. The "Company” Storylines
You know, for a purportedly savvy businessman, Vince McMahon never seemed to get a hold of his own business. Major positions in the WWE seemed to constantly change hands based on a 3-count pin.
“McMahon, last week at Summerslam, I beat you down to the mat, and as the contract stipulates, I am now the majority shareholder of the company and you have been demoted to Commissioner of Overseas Operations, MWAHAHA!”
I would question Stone Cold Steve Austin’s credentials to head major portions of my corporation, much less how to fit that name on a one of those triangular-prism-desk-plate things.


4. The Manager
I personally never understood the need for a manager when you’re a fake athlete. Yet managers have always have had a prominent role in the WWE. From nodding dramatically as their client delivers a backstage promo to interfering in a match by throwing magic powder in the referees’ eyes, they’ve been there for far more than ensuring merchandising rights. Oh, and some even employed cunning business practices to ensure the victory of their prized workhorses. PUPPIES!!!!



3. The Referee
Even more useless than the manager, was the referee. WHAT FUCKING RULES ARE BEING ENFORCED HERE ??
“Listen Rock, there are to be no chair shots below the belt, or a technical foul is in order.”
Not only did WWE zebras always have a habit of losing/regaining consciousness at the most opportune times, but they were also way too easily distracted by aforementioned managers and tag team partners. Between concussions and ADD there were some major health issues concerning the refs of the WWF (see how I went back to wwF for the rhyme scheme there?)
People chastised Tim Donaghy for poor officiating, try Earl Hebner!


2. The Entrance Theme
I must applaud the quick thinking of the engineering team at the WWE. Even when The Undertaker unexpectedly appeared ringside to interfere in a match, they had his theme song cued up. I recall one episode of Raw when Test and Stephanie McMahon were getting married (in-ring, no less) and as Test walked down the ramp of the Titantron (to be married…yes), with his entrance theme blaring through the arena…really. I wonder if this rule applied to all aspects of life. Was the theme song played prior to intercourse? Well, for Val Venis I’m sure it did.


1. This



See with the NFL, at least I don’t have to hear Chad Ochocinco talk. Except when I do.