Now, I normally don't do this, because as the Realty King in American Beauty says, "In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times."
Sorry Peter Gallagher, but my anxiety, depression and panic plague me every day like a festering sore that never heals quite right.
Often my allergy to happiness yields hilarious results, other times it doesn't. So sit back, do a Zoloft and Klonopin speedball, and read of my serotonin-imbalanced adventure.
Okay, so I was watching CNN today in a feeble attempt to better myself.
Anchor: Complaints in Florida have swelled as reports of Chinese-imported drywall used to build houses have caused numerous health problems. Are you a victim of Chinese drywall? Stay tuned after the break.
I DIDN'T. I WASN'T STAYING TUNED. I WAS DETERMINED TO FIND OUT IF MY APARTMENT WAS GOING TO GIVE ME LUNG DISEASE AND RAPE MY GRANDMOTHER.
Immediately I Googled the signs of Chinese drywall-
1. Interior walls marked MADE IN CHINA (outrageous, I know)
2. A overwhelming stench of sulfur
3. Metallic objects, like wires, corroded and rusted to a black color
Of course, my apartment had none of these issues.
I wasn't convinced.
I stood on my bar stool and peeked into the air vent for any Chinese characters imprinted on the inner walls
I sniffed the walls, hoping for the smell of rotten eggs.
I took a screwdriver and opened up an electrical outlet plate
(where you plug things in, Jews, I unscrewed the plate that hides the hole in the wall) determined to find a rusty wire that would provide closure and comfort to this unnerving endeavor.
I pulled the cords out the wall for a more detailed examination.....
I fell to the floor, momentarily paralyzed.
I fucking electrocuted myself.
This was far more damaging then any supposedly toxic building material
(After shitting my pants, of course) I immediately screwed the plate back in. At that moment I decided this inspection had been compromised.
Later, my friend Louis informed me that he had asked the building developer months ago about the presence of Chinese drywall, and was promised my apartment complex was inspected and free of the containment.