I've been a gluttonous little piggy lately.(see: depression, not munchies)
As I sat and ate my FAGE Greek strained yogurt (because my blood sugar is too high to enjoy that Oreo YoCrunch jumpoff), I longed for yesteryear: when nutritional facts were a non-issue and the only time fat content was discussed occurred during the t-shirt removal @ shirts vs skins recess basketball.
Moving on....MY FAVORITE CHILDHOOD FUUUUUUUDES!!!!!!!!
Tonight I'll discuss one. The one that represents my sentiments the best:
Crackers, meat and cheese. And dessert. Except the dessert wasn't really a dessert. It would be a Reese's. or A mini Snickers. Sometimes the dessert wouldn't be a dessert at all. It would be a mint.
What the fuck?
Besides the obvious problems of Lunchables(the unpronounceable ingredients, the questionable origin of the meat products), there were far more subtle ones that only the keen observer (like ya boy) could scrutinize:
1. There never seemed to be a proper ratio of ingredients. Towards the end of the crackers, my creations would deteriorate into some kind of sandwich-bastardchild hybrid. I'd be triple stacking ham and using cheese as a second cracker! It was madness! Other times I'd irresponsibly just have ham and cheese left over. I NEEDED THOSE PRECIOUS CARBS FOR N64 MARATHONS. FUCKING SHITCOCK!
2. The Pizza. What the fuck were they thinking with the Pizza?
I see the logic. We eat sandwiches hot or cold, therefore the sandwich Lunchable. We eat pizza hot or cold, therefore- NO! GOD NO!
YES, WE EAT COLD PIZZA BUT IT WAS COOKED AT ONE POINT IN IT'S CHEESY-n-TOMATOEY EXISTENCE!
Seeing kids in the cafeteria eating cold, cardboard-like discs of bread, tomato paste, and some vile pepperoni-sausage-headcheese mockery really spoke to the advertising and marketing power of the Lunchables brand.
People swore they loved it.
No one loves squeezing cold tomato sauce onto cardboard.
And I know people who smear feces on walls.
3. I JUST HATED WHEN SOMEONE WOULD DIP THE TORTILLA CHIP INTO THE QUESO AND THEN THE SALSA DIRECTLY AFTER. IT LOOKED GROSS. AND WOULD RUIN THE HARMONY THAT THE SEPARATE CHEESE AND SALSA CONTAINERS STROVE TO PERFECT. Honestly, I think the nacho cheese would have been fine on it's own. But the swirl was not fine. I know this.
I no nothing about business, medicine, current events, I got like a 490 on my math SAT, and I just spent an hour writing an retrospective about Lunchables. Like, if you didn't eat them, you probably won't even read this. Wow. I need to learn a trade. Maybe I can learn to smelt. What is smelting? It sounds like a portmanteau of smelling and melting. Ew.