In honor of my coworker/life coach Artie Lange's ridiculous appearance on the Joe Buck Show (which apparently exists),
Artie Lange On Joe Buck Live - The most amazing videos are a click away
I have decided to dedicate today's post to major Arthurs, Arties and Arts who have made tremendous contributions to history and my life as well.
5. KING ARTHUR
Defended Britain against Saxon invaders (ooh, those wily Saxons), yanked the sword out of stone harder than i do with my penile region to become King of England, and popped bottles at the Round Table with his iced out Holy Grail dangling from his neck, CAMELOT, NIGGA WHAT??
4. Arthur the Aardvark
He may have shed his natural schnozz, but Arthur dominated children's books and PBS like no one's business. FUCK CLIFFORD! The anthropomorphic aardvark had the look of Woody Allen but always taught the young viewer and reader to "Believe in Yourself". This dude had Ziggy Marley do his theme song! A Marley ! Shit. Arthur's probably having Buster roll his blunts while that cunt Muffy blows him under the table as we speak.
3. Art Garfunkel
The more subtle, debonaire member of Simon & Garfunkel sported the SINGLE GREATEST JEWFRO OF ALL TIME. To me, this gift far outweighs "Mrs. Robinson". Garfunkel provided the Bridge Over the Troubled Water of hairstyles by making it cool to freak the 'fro. Plu, he got busted for weed in' 04 and '05, which is far more than most studio gangstas can say. Fuck Trap Music, IT'S THAT FOLK ROCK!!
2. Artie Bucco
Conflicted, contrived, and terrifically troubled, Tony Soprano's civilian buddy was a true tragic figure. When he wasn't engaging customers in light banter at the tables of Nuovo Vesuvio (Tony burned down the first one. OK, it was a mercey burning) Artie was attempting suicide, trying to fuck employees half his age, and splashing to stay afloat and do good while surrounded by the temptations of made men. He got choked out by Chris, slapped around by Tony, and had his hand DUNKED IN BOILING MARINARA SAUCE by Benny Fazio. BADA-BING!!
1. Arthur Miller
The man made me endure copious amounts of pain in 11th grade trudging through his dramatic opus, the Crucible. BORING AS SHIT! Kudos, noble opponent. Oh, AND HE BANGED THE SHIT OUT OF MARILYN MONROE! HE WIFED HER EVEN! DAMN. ARTHUR MILLER. YOU'RE NUMBER ONE.