You know, several questions arise in one's mind when receiving a massage at an erotic Asian bathhouse:
Is this legal?
Will a burly man with a badge around his neck bust down the door and arrest me mid jerking?
Why did the masseuse ask me if I've been here before?
Does she throw a better handy if I say yes?
Why did she ask me if I wanted a soft, medium or hard massage?
Does a hard massage imply prostate massage as well?
Why does she keep tickling my ass?
How come my friends got hot Lucy Liu-looking sex geishas and I have a chubby Colombian who resembles an old housekeeper?
What if she simply doesn't do it?
What if she just gives me a massage and says "okay, all done"?
How do I address that?
Do I just leave in disappointment, confusion filling my head and way to much blood filling my penis?
Or do I comment, and say something awkward like "um, Mimi, I said I wanted the HARD massage...by the way...did I say I've never been here before...because I meant I have been. Many times. Remember, we discussed it after I told you I just got back from the South of France on my 62 foot SunSeeker that is specially designed to run only on Veuve Cliquot?"
What if she does do it, and I erupt like Mt. Vesuvius at the 45 second mark?
Will she be disgusted or pleased because I made her work day that much shorter?
What if I get it in her eye, and it burns her retina and seals her eyelashes together?
Do I give a fuck?
How do I explain a hundred dollar charge on my Visa from SPECIAL GARDEN MASSAGE at 1:00 AM to my father?
Do I write about such an experience on my blog?