SWEET CRAWDADDY- CATCHIN, Co2 CRACKIN' CHRIST!
New Orleans= RECCOMENDED
Driving 24 hours to get there and back, only to get a flat tire 40 minutes from your final destination and subsequently get raped by a crazy tow-truck driver that looked like Freakshow from Harold and Kumar= NOT SO MUCH
But we'll cover that later
THURSDAY, 9:00 PM: me and my friend Brandon "The break-neck from Great Neck" Swed decide being in Miami this weekend is an unnecessary headache and our nights would be full of bad choices.
SO WE DECIDE TO DRIVE 12 HOURS TO MARDI GRAS
Naturally, the smarter option.
FRIDAY, 5:00 AM: We see the sun rise over Alabama...I bet noone reading this has ever seen that. Furthermore, I bet no one gives a Southern-fried fuck.
FRIDAY, 10:00 AM: I arrive at the Tulane campus; it looks exactly as I had imagined: Gated, condensed mini-mansions with bigh white columns cluttered the street like a big Louisiana family sittin at the kitchen table fo dinnah. I enter my cousin Jordan's girlfriend's place; a two story condo directly across from the Boot, the local bar. I see my friend Sam sleeping on the couch. Sam, hours before, sent me a text that read as such:
YOU'RE AN UNRELIABLE AND BAD FRIEND. YOU WILL NEVER COME TO MARDI GRAS LIKE YOU PROMISED,CAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKIN PUSSY, FURTHERMORE, YOU'RE A BITCH. I HATE YOU
Imagine his suprise when I SLAPPED HIM ACROSS THE FACE AND WOKE HIM THE FUCK UP
I did the same to Jordan.
We met up with Brandon and his boys who were also there and we went to a restaurant-shack and had the traditional Nawlins specialty:
HOT, FRIED, REMOULADE-SLATHERED SEAFOOD AND MEAT ON FRENCH BREAD, better known as the PO BOY.
I went for the chicken po boy for starters, but regretted doing so after the aroma of Brandon's CALAMARI AND SHRIMP PO BOY SUFFOCATED MY NOSTRILS.
FRIDAY, 12:00 AM-??- Exhausted, we partied at the Tulane campus, and let me say this: TULANE, YOU LOVE WHIPPITS. Now, when I say whippits, I don't mean the delightful dog breed bigger than an italian greyhound but smaller than a...regular..grey hound..I'm referring to the Co2 CONTAINERS THAT PEOPLE CRACK OPEN AND SUCK THROUGH A BALOON TO HAVE A TOTAL MIND FUCK!
Also, every girl there wears neon yellow spandex leggings and those fucking Pocahontas headbands I hate...alas, everyone was nice, albeit a little smelly and high on whip cream gas.
I ended up sleeping in my cousin's dorm as his girlfriend Chelsea"s was filled with random men who spoke in southern twang. Also, many, many canisters of Nitrous Oxide. I can't stress that enough.
STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO, Y'ALL!!