1995

I remember I was like 6 years old in Pierce Day Camp. White-velcro-light-up-shoes, Chicago Bulls Jersey down to my ankles, the whole deal..wait..stop..

WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE KID, WHY WERE YOUR T-SHIRTS SO FUCKING LONG??? ISN'T NOT LOOKING LIKE A RETARD WORTH AN EXTRA 15 BUCKS FOR A SIZE MEDIUM AND 1 TEE THE NEXT YEAR???

Sorry.

So it was after lunch (probably PB and J and a Dannon fruit on the bottom yogurt jump-off) and as I rested during the Period In Which You Do So, I made a shocking discovery, or at least I thought I did: In the alphabet song, there is no "N!!!"

AY BEE CEE DEE EE EFF GEE, ACHE EYE JAY KAY EL EM ENO P!!!

WHERE WAS THE N??

I ran around the bunk, spewing my revelation to any first grader not playing Gameboy or experimenting sexually with other boys under towels (ew..but it happened...not with me)
but

I spouted the song so fast that literally it seemed like N wasn't there

I had an army of my fellow mushroom-cut sporting campers singing my praises and we proudly marched up to our 17-year old counselor, bumping DMX on his Sony Discman....

"HEY ROBBIE, DID YOU KNOW THERE IS NO N IN THE ALPHABET, ABCDEFGHIJ"

"ELL EM EM ENN OH PEE...there is an N, go run and play, jerk-off"


I WAS CRUSHED...my legion of followers dissipated, and I was left alone, again.

No real clear-cut resolution to that piece, just a fond memory of yet another time one of my various rebellions were quelled.

Also when I would kick a soccer ball my sneaker would fly off...

THE END

BYSEXUAL

FUCK PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY DID SOMETHING "ON ACCIDENT"

IT'S "BY ACCIDENT"

SUCH AS "I FUCKED A 250 LB GIRL BY (THE MEANS OF AN) ACCIDENT"

Some of you may be saying, "I've never heard someone say "on accident"

WELL THEN GO UP TO A RANDOM PERSON AND FINGER THEM

Because I have....and it sounds FUCKING STUPID


I live in a vile, putrid, cum-laden FRAT HOUSE

and everybody is sick

I feel like Howard Hughes at his most eccentric


I Lysol'ed everything, pretty much using a whole can.,

THEN I JERKED IT WITH GERM-X

So If I die, Lysol. Manatee. Moo.