Hang the DJ

Fuck DJs.
When I say DJs, I don't mean like Green Lantern or Paul "Cubby" Bryant (who didn't love that guy??) I mean these asshole electronica hipsters who label themselves as DJs by pumping bass-laden dance tracks that make me want to give myself a butcher knife enema.

I go to school in Miami, and the "celebrity" DJ has burrowed a hole and laid its vile eggs in the heart of the nightlife scene, which, I begrudgingly admit I am a part of. Let me elaborate:

Me: Hey, let's go to Mansion tonight!

Asshole: Well, tonight is the one night only performance of DJ Armen Van Der Helsing, so it's going to be a thousand dollar minimum table. He's great.

Me: What the fuck performance?? "OOH THE WAY HE TRANSITIONS AND SLIDES THOSE KNOBS?!?"

I'm sorry, I really don't get it. Also, I find it tragically humorous that these EUROTRASH NAZIFUCKBAGS play these "songs" with retarded lyrics about love, individualism, and freedom in clubs where unless you're dropping at least ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS A NIGHT, YOU ARE NO ONE, YOU ARE SUB-AIKEN.

So in summation fuck Roger Sanchez and Armand Pena and DJ Hitler because they are inconsequential, do nothing, and people who believe these 'mos make AN ASS HAIR OF A DIFFERENCE in the night's experience are TOOLS.

STANDUP BIT

So I masturbate.....chronically. However, throughout my various pornographic exploits, I have grown tired of the traditional jerk-off. So I found my white whale. I was perusing the net and thar she blew: REAL DOLL DOT COM!

This site offers essentially life size Barbie Dolls...that you can fuck. Big lips, sumptuous breasts, dazzling eyes, and the cool thing is they always look excited to see you when you come home cause of the mouth input always being WIDE OPEN.
I wanted to buy one of these magnificent mannequins, until I saw the price tag.

SIX THOUSAND, FOUR HUNDRED, AND NINETY NINE DOLLARS

I'm a college student (albeit at ballin' ass Miami) and I DO NOT HAVE SEVEN GRAND TO SPEND ON A FUCK-DOLL. But here's the kicker: they sell just the lower portion for $750.00. I thought to myself, "Well I'm not trying to fuck the nostrils, so why not?"

CLICK. BOUGHT IT.

So I'm loving this thing. We're playing in the fields, watching movies together, until one day

IT WASN'T THERE....

So I asked my housekeeper..(who I like to refer to as "Mom") I say, "Mom have you seen my lower...half??" she flatly replies, "Evan, whaddya talking about? like your belly button? I gave birth to you I think I've seen everything you have to offer"

I try to edit my query

"No, Mom...have you seen my lower...torso...apparatus?"
Again, "EVAN I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING I'VE SEEN YA LITTLE SCHMECKLE WHAT DO YOU MEAN??"

I swallow my pride.


"MOM.........................HAVE YOU SEEN MY ASSPUSSY??!!?!"





Asking my mother if she has seen my asspussy has crowned victory as the single worst moment in my life....if you're wondering...she hadn't